Friday, February 4, 2011

Fighting The Inevitable

Time to Throw In The Towel?

In boxing, throwing in the towel means you give up, you've been whupped, you are not able to continue, you concede the fight.  I feel I am almost at that point. I get to this place just to revive myself and fight onward for another round or two.

I am so fatigued right now I fall asleep sitting up and it is scary to drive.  I am in enough pain from so many sources that I am almost willing to give up what little coherent thought I have left for adequate pain relief.  I can't digest food.  My incontinence issues are not improving. My ability to walk continues it's worsening path.  I want to quit trying to keep my forward momentum going.

This is probably just late night pain talking. I had a reality check today that started me down this path again.  The roads are still ice and snow covered around here.  I decided to go to work this morning waiting until noon so the roads would be at their optimal cleared levels for the day.  I only made it 15 miles, and then exited the interstate and headed back home.  I used to love driving, no matter the conditions.  Today the pain levels from driving were too much and my concentration and reflexes were too poor for the road conditions.  I feel like a dunce, a failure, a wuss. 

Where is the old Winny who would let neither rain nor snow nor dark of night stay her from her appointed work hours?  My poor health has drained my energy, stamina and strength for the last seven years.  I think it has drained my determination too.  Tonight I am debating what I should do.  I have been trying to delay any drastic decisions until I see Dr. House in April.  I just am not sure if I should wait.  I wonder if it is fair to my employer and my fellow co-workers and my company's clients, if it is fair to myself, to keep trying.  I love my job, I love my work but I don't even have the brain power to think right now to be effective.

I'm going to have to give myself an old fashioned pep talk.  I think I need Burgess Meredith from Rocky to tell me to "eat lightning and crap thunder".  On second thought, for someone with incontinence issues this may not be such a good idea....but I guess it would make me a "very dangerous" person!


  1. Oh Emily! Talk to your doctor and see what your options are eh? I honestly have no idea how you have kept going with consulting knowing the business as I do. You are a fighter and the last 7 years are a towering testament to that.

  2. RRB&B: Angie, I have talked to doctors - they wanted me to throw in the towel a couple of years ago! :) I guess I need Burgess Meredith for a doc, eh? Maybe I should go beat up some hanging beef to get back in shape! That way I "could spit nails" too! I'm a little more optimistic in daylight...

  3. I am with you, no matter what decision is made. I do know, you have to be a lot tougher and stronger than me, and I have always been told I was strong, have a high pain tolerence etc. I pray daily for you. Know I am here, thinking of you and pulling for you, no matter what, and in no ways are you a wuss, dunce or failure. You are one of the strongest people, I have contact with.

    God Bless~
    Debbie Jean

  4. Debbie Jean: Definitely don't think I am tougher OR stronger. I think we all have different breaking points, and I am afraid I have found mine. I'm going to see if I can get it together this weekend, get my mind to actually analyze instead of react. I think pain is like a bee sting - bad enough and that is what your attention just keeps returning to no matter what! I'm pretty sure mine was one of those Africanized killer bees by the amount of hurtin' it has put on me lately!

    Hoping you get some good health news soon my friend!