Fighting The Inevitable

Time to Throw In The Towel?

In boxing, throwing in the towel means you give up, you've been whupped, you are not able to continue, you concede the fight.  I feel I am almost at that point. I get to this place just to revive myself and fight onward for another round or two.

I am so fatigued right now I fall asleep sitting up and it is scary to drive.  I am in enough pain from so many sources that I am almost willing to give up what little coherent thought I have left for adequate pain relief.  I can't digest food.  My incontinence issues are not improving. My ability to walk continues it's worsening path.  I want to quit trying to keep my forward momentum going.

This is probably just late night pain talking. I had a reality check today that started me down this path again.  The roads are still ice and snow covered around here.  I decided to go to work this morning waiting until noon so the roads would be at their optimal cleared levels for the day.  I only made it 15 miles, and then exited the interstate and headed back home.  I used to love driving, no matter the conditions.  Today the pain levels from driving were too much and my concentration and reflexes were too poor for the road conditions.  I feel like a dunce, a failure, a wuss. 

Where is the old Winny who would let neither rain nor snow nor dark of night stay her from her appointed work hours?  My poor health has drained my energy, stamina and strength for the last seven years.  I think it has drained my determination too.  Tonight I am debating what I should do.  I have been trying to delay any drastic decisions until I see Dr. House in April.  I just am not sure if I should wait.  I wonder if it is fair to my employer and my fellow co-workers and my company's clients, if it is fair to myself, to keep trying.  I love my job, I love my work but I don't even have the brain power to think right now to be effective.

I'm going to have to give myself an old fashioned pep talk.  I think I need Burgess Meredith from Rocky to tell me to "eat lightning and crap thunder".  On second thought, for someone with incontinence issues this may not be such a good idea....but I guess it would make me a "very dangerous" person!

Want to Run Away

Bad Day, Bad Week

Ready to run away.  If I could get away from The Headache, The Belly, and The Legs I would.  I guess all that would be left would The Arms and The Back....hmmmm guess that's not practical.  Sigh.  My problems are inescapable but wishing they weren't.

New diabetic medicine, more thyroid medication from a new specialist, an endocrinologist, Dr. Kid (he seems very very young!).  The cankles are disappearing so maybe the low thyroid was to blame for cankle hell.  Will be glad to wear regular shoes again instead of the cankle friendly models I have been sporting lately. Not excited about changing diabetic meds since my diabetes is the one thing in good control...but he had a point that Avandia has had some pretty bad press lately, so instead of Avandia and metformin I am taking Actos and time released metformin.  Can't tell any difference so maybe that's a good thing!

Bad headache day Friday.  Not to the emergency room point, but bad enough I had to take major meds in order to NOT go to the emergency room.  Payback for the week and the traveling.  My head is still not working today, but I am trying to go medication free since I had things to do.  Actually napped for a while today which is really rare for me.

I feel ready to throw in the towel this weekend.  No energy, no mind power left. I'm tired of dragging my legs around trying to make them work, tired of the pain, tired of being tired, tired of coping, tired of traveling, tired of work, tired of things NOT working, tired of medication, tired of being sick, tired of doctors.  I want to jump up and down and throw a screaming fit about it all!  But I'm too pooped to do it.  Being old and tired and sick sucks, can't even throw a decent tantrum any more.

I knew I would pay a price for traveling to Michigan.  I went anyway.  This is my own fault.  I could have said no.  Too late now.  I need to quit griping and just live with the consequences.  I'm just not as tough as I used to be, not as tough as I want to be, not as tough as I thought I was.   Arrrrrrgh.  I'm just going to have to suck it up and get on with business.....if I can.