Falling

2012 Not Starting Well

I haven't been posting - too sick or too hurt or too stressed or working too many hours that I shouldn't.  Members of my extended family have been ill, or have found out bad health news, or are just stressed too.  Hoping that their conditions will work out for the best, if mine worsens so be it.

I went to the A-Team (my headache specialist and the headache clinic) this month and they were as kind as always and had some more options for me to try. Every time I go in, my doctor takes the time to review my case and research to see if any new studies have been published before my appointment.  You would think all doctors do this, but in my recent experience I have found it a rarity, so I am pleased that Dr. Hannibal Smith and his team do this consistently.  He also wrote a letter for me to have with me when I do have to go to emergency rooms that gives some basic guidelines to the ER docs on how to treat my hemicrania continua during an extreme pain flair.  He also gave me some literature on HC to go with the letter.  I am hoping this will help both me and the ER docs.  There are so few hemicrania continua patients that the ER docs and nurses treat it as a migraine because that is the headache condition they see most often.

I fell really really hard last Friday down some stairs while I was mopping the floor.  Missed work, and my sister was kind enough to take me to the ER to be checked out.  My lower lip and chin are still numb from the fall - how I hit this I don't know but I broke several of my front teeth and knocked part of a filling and crumbled the side of a tooth in the back.  The docs thought I might have a mild concussion also - I threw up several times during the night while I waited to see if I should go to the ER.  I knocked ribs out of place and was able to crank those puppies back where they should be while I was still numb from hitting the floor.  I have a problem with my ribs going out dating back about 20 years to a fall on the ice.  I think once you injure yourself bad enough the old injury keeps popping up when you try new acrobatic tricks when falling.  I must be made of rubber and bounced pretty well since no bones were broken.

The pain from the fall has been really bad.  I don't seem to be bruised badly - there are a couple of spots that show bruises - but the pain seems to be coming from the pelvic region and my right hip and leg.  My incontinence issues have gotten worse yet again, perhaps from bruising the nerves?  I am going to have to start using protection at night if it doesn't clear up soon, as it is happening in my sleep since my fall.  My teeth hurt but I have a dentist appointment Friday to see what is going on there.  Maybe my major medical will cover part of the repairs - that would be a big WooHoo!!!

I see my PCP this morning to see what if anything can be done with the increased pain and incontinence.  Maybe it will calm down after a week or so.  I seem to only have the sensation of pain, and am not aware that I am having incontinent episodes.  I will just have to move forward and hope that this latest set back goes away after my body gets over the shock of the flying leap and the splatted landing.  Note to self - do not fall with a three gallon bucket full of dirty mop water again!!!  Not only did it through me off balance I had to lay there in that mess and then clean it up and finish mopping.  My feet are so numb I am not sure what made me fall - I suspect mop water sloshed out and I stepped in it.

I plan to go into work today after going to the PCP.   Not sure how I will be doing, but I need to make the effort, because it is not work's fault I am a clumsy oaf!  I also have an appointment Thursday with my urologist to see if I need to continue the intermittent catheterization.  I had a very bad UTI since starting the self-cathing but  this could have been from fecal incontinence or not being careful enough with the catheters.  Makes me cringe to think about it.

I am somewhat drugged - the pain has been horrid in my back and in my abdomen.  For some reason my liver and kidney hurts on the right side and my spleen on the left are terribly sore.  Just what I need, another part/piece deciding it doesn't like me and leading a revolt of the innards!!!  Maybe you can bruise your insides as well as the outside - maybe that's why the ER docs gave me literature on deep contusions??

I hope this post makes sense, as my mind hurts.  I'm going to have to retire from the circus and stop the acrobatic stunts while mopping.  This is the second time I have fallen at the same spot on the same stairs while mopping.  Maybe the root cause is mopping the floor.  Sounds good - I can quit mopping and won't every fall again!  When I win the lottery I can hire maid service to come in and mop and fall for me.  sigh.

Fighting The Inevitable

Time to Throw In The Towel?

In boxing, throwing in the towel means you give up, you've been whupped, you are not able to continue, you concede the fight.  I feel I am almost at that point. I get to this place just to revive myself and fight onward for another round or two.

I am so fatigued right now I fall asleep sitting up and it is scary to drive.  I am in enough pain from so many sources that I am almost willing to give up what little coherent thought I have left for adequate pain relief.  I can't digest food.  My incontinence issues are not improving. My ability to walk continues it's worsening path.  I want to quit trying to keep my forward momentum going.

This is probably just late night pain talking. I had a reality check today that started me down this path again.  The roads are still ice and snow covered around here.  I decided to go to work this morning waiting until noon so the roads would be at their optimal cleared levels for the day.  I only made it 15 miles, and then exited the interstate and headed back home.  I used to love driving, no matter the conditions.  Today the pain levels from driving were too much and my concentration and reflexes were too poor for the road conditions.  I feel like a dunce, a failure, a wuss. 

Where is the old Winny who would let neither rain nor snow nor dark of night stay her from her appointed work hours?  My poor health has drained my energy, stamina and strength for the last seven years.  I think it has drained my determination too.  Tonight I am debating what I should do.  I have been trying to delay any drastic decisions until I see Dr. House in April.  I just am not sure if I should wait.  I wonder if it is fair to my employer and my fellow co-workers and my company's clients, if it is fair to myself, to keep trying.  I love my job, I love my work but I don't even have the brain power to think right now to be effective.

I'm going to have to give myself an old fashioned pep talk.  I think I need Burgess Meredith from Rocky to tell me to "eat lightning and crap thunder".  On second thought, for someone with incontinence issues this may not be such a good idea....but I guess it would make me a "very dangerous" person!

Priestess of The Potty

Incessant Incontinence

Day 3 of going back on the neurontin has the digestive side effects taking front and center, or is that to the rear and at the bottom???  Wasn't able to get to work because I couldn't get away from the toilet long enough to go.  I have a 45 minute commute with a couple of opportunities to pull off the road and find a bathroom, otherwise it is hop out by the side of the road time.  Unfortunately with already having diarrhea from the radiation treatment in 2004 when I crank up the motility making food move even faster through the digestive system I become a one woman poop machine. 

I can't hold anything back because the radiation has ruined my pucker power so I had to make many clothing changes today because I didn't get to the bathroom in time.  I am trying to keep the liquids going but have to balance that with increased output - I get to where the more liquids I take in the faster I dehydrate.

Thinking with envy of getting a big diaper butt from disposable incontinence britches, but got to thinking - what kind of huge-mongrously large diaper pail would you have to have??  That would take even more room in the luggage if I traveled for work than my extra large bag of meds. I might try these though because they do wick moisture away from the skin. I have to watch it because the skin starts to degrade after a while if you don't keep everything clean and dry, just like a baby behind.

The Legs are a jiggling this evening, so most of my neurontin power has gone into my gut and seems to be ignoring The Legs.  They don't seem to like that.  I may have to take a pain pill tonight, since it is three am and all is still in turmoil.  One advantage of pain medication is that it sloooooooows down the digestive system which for me is a welcome side effect.  The eyes have behaved today.

My next door neighbor has been measuring, marking, and getting ready to fence the private lane.  I don't think the Amish know (or maybe don't care) that my neighbor grew up here, is related to almost everyone and knows everyone else, is a reserve police officer, and his wife has worked at the hospital on the hill for about 30 years so she knows everyone too.  I watched (in between bouts with the bathroom) pickup after pickup stop and visit with my neighbor as he supervised the marking of the underground gas lines, phone lines, and power lines before getting ready to dig.  I am sure word is out about the fight over the semi traffic.  I have noticed a slight decrease in vehicle traffic going to the Amish property but that could just be a non-related lull.  In small town America this type of thing is like throwing a pebble in a pond - you don't know where the ripples will end up but you sure know something was dropped in.

Going to bed. Hoping for a better tomorrow.  Will have fun watching my neighbor get to tell the story of the fence and the gate over and over again as traffic continues to stop to visit.  Hope you all have a great weekend!

I'm Sooooo Itchy

New Allergy: Surgical Tape

I have been breaking out in hives everywhere - in my ears, in my nose, everywhere every one of my many bandages is and all the skin in between. Bought some expensive hypoallergenic tape and have been replacing all my tape as I can stand to peel it off. Have three quarters of it replaced by today, and the hives are starting to back off a little. I have been taking 25 mg Benedryl every 4 hours, with 50 mg every 8 hours and the hives still kept popping up. That's a lot of Benedryl but don't think steroids are going to be an option with so many open wounds. There are huge welts everywhere the old tape was. Thank heavens I don't seem to be allergic to the new tape. I can't win for losing...***sigh***

No lifting, bending, or pushing is harder to do than I thought. I just never realized how many times I day I bend over and pick something up. If I have to do this for awhile (the surgery team said it could be up to three months) I'm gonna have to get myself a mechanical arm to pick stuff up! I can't take a bath, shower, or wash my hair until I go back next week to have the stitches taken out, and that is making me feel grungy on top of everything else. Yes, sponge baths are OK, but not the same as a hot shower or a long soak.

The neck collar was creating a ring of hives around my neck, not sure if I was having a reaction to the collar or it was just an extension of the tape problem. I covered the neck collar with a section of pantyhose and it isn't itchy anymore, so it must've been the collar itself.

The Headache seems better today, but I'm still taking some pain meds. Placebo reactions can be as powerful as real reactions, so I just may be on the downside of a headache cycle.

My face is swollen a bit. If I don't get the hives under control, by past experience I will probably get angioedema, if it hasn't already started. Then the real problems start when my vocal cords swell. Hoping to get it fixed before then. I'm very red and very bumpy and very antsy and verrrry itchy. Since I already had hives before I went to Cleveland, hard to tell if the overall hives are still from that or from the tape problem.

Worked a little yesterday, and my noggin seems to be operating better. Only took a couple of hours to interface my program with another and to do a test "print" of the results. I only program when forced to by circumstances. It's something I can do, but not something I want to do everyday. There are plenty of people who love to program, and they are the ones who should be programming, not me. I like to problem solve, but after I figure something out I'm not interested anymore, and have no desire to repeat the process over and over and over again. Just not my cup of tea.

Saw a urologist yesterday that my PCP recommended. My PCP thought I could get a sacral spine stimulator to help with my pain and continence issues from the radiation therapy. At least this doctor didn't say, oh no - radiation couldn't do that!!! He confirmed what I already knew, the radiation damage can't be fixed by medication or surgery or nerve stimulators or physical therapy. It's permanent and probably progressive. My bladder is damaged and most probably all adjacent parts are also. I am sure it was the HDR vaginal brachytherapy that did it.

I go Monday to check with my colorectal surgeon about my test results from last week. I know my external sphincter is severed and partially replaced with fibrotic tissue, not sure about the nerves. The sacral MRI I had showed facet joint degeneration in the radiation field area, but there was no nerve compression to account for the symptoms I am having. From the literature, reconstructive surgery doesn't help if the nerves to that area are damaged.

I guess I'll get the top part of me fixed, and then the rest of me will fall apart!