Tuesday, January 11, 2011


No Plan

I'm a person who always has a plan, a direction, course correction, a goal.  These last few months I have felt lost - feeling my way down an unknown path towards an uncertain future.  Trying to move forward with my life but without enough information to know if I am going forward, standing still, going backwards or maybe just taking the scenic route.  I have lost my points of reference; I am afloat in a sea of possibilities and impossibilities with no way to tell the difference.

I keep putting off decisions because I keep thinking I will get my health straightened out or stable and I can make a decision then.  I focus on the next thing and then the next and then the next and pretty soon I am like Hanzel and Gretel in the forest - the birds have eaten my breadcrumbs and I don't know where I am or how I got here!

I am resolving (once again!) to reconnect with my friends.  I want to recenter myself around my inner needs  just not my medical needs.  I need to do some things just for myself for fun.  I want to reevaluate what I can and cannot do.  I always surprise myself because I can do more than I think sometimes, and more than is wise other times!  I need to nurture the spiritual side of me.  I need to stop just existing and start living again.

Work is a big concern for me.  I feel so ill lately. I know I am not concentrating like I should.  I hope that I am getting the two new guys/gals trained to the place if I fall by the wayside the company and my bosses (who have been so good to me) will not suffer. The company is suffering enough right now with me not able to carry my workload as I should.

I started taking dilaudid in the evenings, as small a dose as I can take and still handle the pain.  The neurontin helps some of the pain, the dilaudid is helping more, but I probably should be taking it on a regular schedule rather than 1x per day.  The kidney stone pain is not good, but hopefully that will "pass" soon and maybe I can drop the narcotics out of my medication regimen again.

The Headache is bad this evening possibly due to the dialudid which aggravates it.  I hate having to wait until the middle of spring to see the next specialist about The Legs.  This is where I lose my way.  The Legs have become a major problem. sigh.

The Migraine and Headache Blog Carnival for January is published.  Check it out over at Putting Our Heads Together! This month's theme is "Taking Charge in 2011", as always there are interesting and thought provoking posts to read!

I am going to go hold Mr. Squeaky (Emmett) and think happy sleepy puppy thoughts and take my meds and maybe go to sleep. Good night all!!!


  1. Winny I can only continue to pray for a complete healing in your body that you will be able to function in society at your work place pain free. I am so very sorry dear one.

  2. JBR: Bad night last night - maybe this mood will blow away with the snow.. Thanks for your prayers!

  3. Funny how things build to a kind of precipice. Good luck dear Winny, you strong amazing woman!

  4. Migrainista: That reminds me of one of my favorite Bowery Boys words "Precipineapple" instead of precipice!!!

    I definitely feel like I am at the edge of a precipineapple and about to topple over. I guess maybe there will be an adventure waiting at the bottom!

  5. I do remember being in the spot you are Winny, when still working, and my doc telling me I had to go out on disability and so fighting him. I fought him for several good years, and each day, I didn't know what the next day would bring. Feeling bad because I could not put 100% into my job, although my co workers always told me I gave 150% plus and I needed to stop, but I didn't feel I was. My job was a on my feet at least 8 hours a day, walking the complete time usually. I hurt so bad, I was taking so much pain meds, I was not living, but going around in a fog all the time. One day, I finally went to a appointment with the doc and told him, he won, I just couldn't do it anymore. I am still sad at that decision, it's been 41/2 yrs, but at least I do know, I am not having to get up each day, having to go and do that. It some how eased my mind. I do still miss working a lot, mostly the social part of it. Am I any more well? No. Was it the right decision for me? Yes, at that time it was and there is no way I could do it now.
    I think of you daily and pray for you daily also. I hope what ever decision you have to make, will be the best one for you. You will know when it's time. It is so not fun, being disabled, I think people think you become stupid when you are disabled. My brain is fine, it's my body that isn't. I do hope that you can get all your medical things worked out and you will be pain free or at least in less pain. You are a very strong woman, whom, I respect highly, for doing all you do, while sick.
    Snuggle up with the sweet new puppy and I hope that you get the rest you need to heal.

    God Bless~
    Debbie Jean

  6. Debbie Jean: My doctors have told me I am disabled - I am like you fighting it. I have so many responsibilities I just don't know how I can do it.

    I appreciate the prayers, and will think some more about the disability issue. I don't feel strong, I just feel sick.

    Puppy has been a happy distraction.

    Understand about the disability and "stupid" thing - I do find that some people look at my cane and apparently think using it disconnects my brain! They best watch out because BLING can get kinda feisty on its own!