Lost

No Plan

I'm a person who always has a plan, a direction, course correction, a goal.  These last few months I have felt lost - feeling my way down an unknown path towards an uncertain future.  Trying to move forward with my life but without enough information to know if I am going forward, standing still, going backwards or maybe just taking the scenic route.  I have lost my points of reference; I am afloat in a sea of possibilities and impossibilities with no way to tell the difference.

I keep putting off decisions because I keep thinking I will get my health straightened out or stable and I can make a decision then.  I focus on the next thing and then the next and then the next and pretty soon I am like Hanzel and Gretel in the forest - the birds have eaten my breadcrumbs and I don't know where I am or how I got here!

I am resolving (once again!) to reconnect with my friends.  I want to recenter myself around my inner needs  just not my medical needs.  I need to do some things just for myself for fun.  I want to reevaluate what I can and cannot do.  I always surprise myself because I can do more than I think sometimes, and more than is wise other times!  I need to nurture the spiritual side of me.  I need to stop just existing and start living again.

Work is a big concern for me.  I feel so ill lately. I know I am not concentrating like I should.  I hope that I am getting the two new guys/gals trained to the place if I fall by the wayside the company and my bosses (who have been so good to me) will not suffer. The company is suffering enough right now with me not able to carry my workload as I should.

I started taking dilaudid in the evenings, as small a dose as I can take and still handle the pain.  The neurontin helps some of the pain, the dilaudid is helping more, but I probably should be taking it on a regular schedule rather than 1x per day.  The kidney stone pain is not good, but hopefully that will "pass" soon and maybe I can drop the narcotics out of my medication regimen again.

The Headache is bad this evening possibly due to the dialudid which aggravates it.  I hate having to wait until the middle of spring to see the next specialist about The Legs.  This is where I lose my way.  The Legs have become a major problem. sigh.

The Migraine and Headache Blog Carnival for January is published.  Check it out over at Putting Our Heads Together! This month's theme is "Taking Charge in 2011", as always there are interesting and thought provoking posts to read!

I am going to go hold Mr. Squeaky (Emmett) and think happy sleepy puppy thoughts and take my meds and maybe go to sleep. Good night all!!!

Woo Hoo!! My 200th Post!

Who Woulda Thunk It??

This is my 200th post. I started this blog in January and I wasn't sure if I would keep it up. I thought it would be stressful to write and a chore to do. I found blogging to be exactly the opposite.

When I have been at my lowest points writing and illustrating another entry has kept me moving forward. When the pain is at the point that I am plumb wackydoodles being able to read different blogs about how others cope with unsurmountable obstacles helps me work through the pain and the panic. When yet another doctor appointment looms or more bad news comes I know I can toss my cares away into another posting and feel more optimistic. Comments by persons passing through my blog space keep me humbly grateful that there are so many kind interesting intelligent and funny people in this world, and that I get to interact with them. I am educated, entertained, saddened, and inspired by the many blogs I follow - impressed by the excellent quality, diversity and inventive nature of my fellow bloggers.

Despite the wondernment that I have had enough nonsense in me to write 200 entries, today has been a bad day. The Headache has been trying to come alive, he Belly feels like my pancreas is taking nips out of my innards, I had an incontinent episode at work (went home 45 min drive changed and drove back 45 mins) soooo embarrasing, I only slept two hours last night, and I feel like I don't even have enough energy to move because The Legs aren't cooperating. I feel exhausted. I have taken a cocktail of benedryl, phenergan, and trammadol and it is just barely decreasing the pain. I am going to change the settings on my stimulator one more time to see if it can put The Headache to sleep for the night.

On an upnote, Diana Lee at Somebody Heal Me has done it again and has put together another great Blog Carnival! I don't know how she gets these all organized and perfectly done each month, but I am so happy she does!! This month's theme is alternative therapies. I found some intriguing information, makes me wish that I lived in a more metropolitan area where some of these resources are available! A very interesting post was from MaxJerz at Rhymes with Migraine discussing the difference between alternative and complementary medicine or treatments. I definitely have been using these terms incorrectly as interchangeable! There were some other great links on other subjects too.

If this post is full of typos and misspelled words I am going to blame The Headache and The Meds. I've proof read it a couple of times, but when The Headache kicks in that is a gesture in futility!! I've got the jimmy legs so will be dancing with pain again tonight. Pain wouldn't be such a bad dance partner except he keeps stepping on my toes!!

Blog Carnival Time Again

This Month's Theme Migraine & Family

Diana Lee at Somebody Heal Me has again graciously coordinated a blog carnival. This month's theme is about Migraine & Family. There are some thought provoking blogs featured there! Please visit!