Thursday, July 8, 2010

Life's Not a Teddy Bear Picnic

Using up one of my allotted Self Pity Days

Very sad tonight.  Not sure if it is the pain, the futility, the medication, the fatigue, the hunger, or the insensitivity of my family that is making me use up one of my precious self pity days.  Could it be a combination of all?  Yes indeed it could.

I am tired to the limp rag stage of fatigue. Didn't work today because of pain and medication for pain.  I cannot sleep due to the pain (even with oxycontin 2x daily) and am contemplating just not taking any pain medication tomorrow so I can work.  My bosses have been wonderful, but I feel I am letting them down too.  I am going to have to shrug off this mantel of guilt and just do what I am able to do, and ignore the rest.  I guess I will see how far I can push myself with no food, very little liquids and no pain medication.

I was selfishly counting on a little concern on how I was doing when I got home, rather than insistance on instant return to shuttle driver and provider of all needs.  My mother tries, but she is getting to the age where I am truthfully more concerned about her wellbeing when I am gone.   Just feeling the loneliness and isolation of chronic illness through a cloud of pain, nausea, and fatigue.

My bosses and friends have been great, and I am sure my family was much more supportive than I am remembering in the deep darkness of the night.  Just worried where the future is going to take me.  I was much sicker much longer this time, and was released without really having my issues resolved, mostly due to the fact that all the consulting physicians were on vacation during the 4th holiday and I needed to get back home and back to work.  Going to work tomorrow and Friday and just take it as it comes. 

Was told I would need to go back to Dr. Gnome in St. Louis again.  I can't even face the thought of the drive for the appointment and then the logistics if anything had to be done.  Too much to do this summer for work, no time to take for non emergency treatment.  Ah well, I will go be sad for a while longer, as my self pity day is not done yet, even though my family would think I was being self indulgent and selfish.  Yes I am, and I have given myself permission to be so today.

The teddy bear picnic song and dreams were a theme throughout my hospitalization this time, maybe because I was so hungry!  I kept having drugged dreams about the teddy bear picnic, maybe wishing I could go out in the woods in disguise and have a picnic with the teddy bears!


  1. Oh dear one I am sorry for how you are feeling. I like your new blog look by the way. I hope you will be able to get some rest and feel somewhat better. Thanks for the video as well. I have not heard that song in ages. This was around the Wizard of Oz time. Blessings.

  2. I know exactly what you mean about those self pity days. Just make sure you don't get too caught up it my dear! Take good care of yourself!!

    I was just given the Versatile Bloggers Award and I am now passing it along to you, my dear! You do such a great job of expressing yourself!

    Check it out at

  3. I have shaken off my self pity hat and am back to almost normal. Only two self pity days left for me this year, but I am lucky so far I have only used this one that I remember (I may have to fact check myself!).

    Thanks for noticing the changes JBR - just trying to keep the blog minimal and headache friendly.

    Thanks so much for passing on the Verstile Blogger award Shalunya! I promise not to get caught up in my little downward spiral. I'm pretty disciplined at just giving myself three self pity days a year. Long time habit of over thirty years. I am off to work a little late, but a lot less drugged than yesterday.

  4. Hugs to you, I remember all too well feeling this way while working. I hope you're able to find some type of help so you can focus on improving your health. I honestly don't think I could have achieved wellness while working.

    Love the new blog layout.

  5. Thanks Jasmine.

    I don't have much of a choice about working or not as I can't afford the two year wait for disability and am pretty sure at this stage acheiving real wellness might not be possible so I may as well keep working as long as possible.

    I have fantastic bosses and coworkers, I just have my own unrealistic standards I feel I have to live up to. Thanks about the new look- used one of the new free blogger layouts!!! Yeah - Free!

  6. It breaks my heart that Americans who suffer like this don't have a choice. Especially when I watch Michael Moore's "Sicko," and see how understanding employers are in places like France -regarding how much paid time off an employee can take to focus on his or her health. Sure they pay more in taxes, but I doubt as many people are facing foreclosure or homelessness because of mounting medical costs.

  7. I agree Jasmine, but in the galvanized political climate we are in, I doubt that real progress will be made towards true fixes of our healthcare crisis rather than bandaid solutions. The healthcare bill was a start, but that is all it was.

    My bosses have been more than generous working with me during my many illnesses in the last few years - in fact they need a trophy of some kind for their understanding and kindness.

    In order to get SSN disability I have too many people depending on me to even try for it. Why have we made it such an administrative nightmare to apply for a simple benefit? My father received it in the 1970's for heart trouble for a couple of years, and he got it in just a few weeks. No automatic denial, no tons of paperwork. I believe an administrative order to lighten the regulatory load would do more to quicken our SSN qualification process than a bunch more administrative court judges. Of course the whole industry around SSN disability appeals would crumble, and that would not be politically savvy to put that many lawyers out of work at one time!