Very sad tonight. Not sure if it is the pain, the futility, the medication, the fatigue, the hunger, or the insensitivity of my family that is making me use up one of my precious self pity days. Could it be a combination of all? Yes indeed it could.
I am tired to the limp rag stage of fatigue. Didn't work today because of pain and medication for pain. I cannot sleep due to the pain (even with oxycontin 2x daily) and am contemplating just not taking any pain medication tomorrow so I can work. My bosses have been wonderful, but I feel I am letting them down too. I am going to have to shrug off this mantel of guilt and just do what I am able to do, and ignore the rest. I guess I will see how far I can push myself with no food, very little liquids and no pain medication.
I was selfishly counting on a little concern on how I was doing when I got home, rather than insistance on instant return to shuttle driver and provider of all needs. My mother tries, but she is getting to the age where I am truthfully more concerned about her wellbeing when I am gone. Just feeling the loneliness and isolation of chronic illness through a cloud of pain, nausea, and fatigue.
Was told I would need to go back to Dr. Gnome in St. Louis again. I can't even face the thought of the drive for the appointment and then the logistics if anything had to be done. Too much to do this summer for work, no time to take for non emergency treatment. Ah well, I will go be sad for a while longer, as my self pity day is not done yet, even though my family would think I was being self indulgent and selfish. Yes I am, and I have given myself permission to be so today.
The teddy bear picnic song and dreams were a theme throughout my hospitalization this time, maybe because I was so hungry! I kept having drugged dreams about the teddy bear picnic, maybe wishing I could go out in the woods in disguise and have a picnic with the teddy bears!