Showing posts with label self pity day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self pity day. Show all posts

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Life's Not a Teddy Bear Picnic

Using up one of my allotted Self Pity Days

Very sad tonight.  Not sure if it is the pain, the futility, the medication, the fatigue, the hunger, or the insensitivity of my family that is making me use up one of my precious self pity days.  Could it be a combination of all?  Yes indeed it could.

I am tired to the limp rag stage of fatigue. Didn't work today because of pain and medication for pain.  I cannot sleep due to the pain (even with oxycontin 2x daily) and am contemplating just not taking any pain medication tomorrow so I can work.  My bosses have been wonderful, but I feel I am letting them down too.  I am going to have to shrug off this mantel of guilt and just do what I am able to do, and ignore the rest.  I guess I will see how far I can push myself with no food, very little liquids and no pain medication.

I was selfishly counting on a little concern on how I was doing when I got home, rather than insistance on instant return to shuttle driver and provider of all needs.  My mother tries, but she is getting to the age where I am truthfully more concerned about her wellbeing when I am gone.   Just feeling the loneliness and isolation of chronic illness through a cloud of pain, nausea, and fatigue.

My bosses and friends have been great, and I am sure my family was much more supportive than I am remembering in the deep darkness of the night.  Just worried where the future is going to take me.  I was much sicker much longer this time, and was released without really having my issues resolved, mostly due to the fact that all the consulting physicians were on vacation during the 4th holiday and I needed to get back home and back to work.  Going to work tomorrow and Friday and just take it as it comes. 

Was told I would need to go back to Dr. Gnome in St. Louis again.  I can't even face the thought of the drive for the appointment and then the logistics if anything had to be done.  Too much to do this summer for work, no time to take for non emergency treatment.  Ah well, I will go be sad for a while longer, as my self pity day is not done yet, even though my family would think I was being self indulgent and selfish.  Yes I am, and I have given myself permission to be so today.

The teddy bear picnic song and dreams were a theme throughout my hospitalization this time, maybe because I was so hungry!  I kept having drugged dreams about the teddy bear picnic, maybe wishing I could go out in the woods in disguise and have a picnic with the teddy bears!