Monday, July 19, 2010

Phoning It In

Not my Best Effort

Went to work today, and was able to be productive for five hours, but how productive I don't know.  I am so sick feeling I am confused.  My physical coordination is off too, so my brain is definitely not in synch with the rest of the world.  I feel like I cheated, and went to work and didn't work.

I was productive, but the day was sorta in a fog.  I even ran over a curb on my way home, on a route I have driven a thousand times.  I can't think, even this evening, not sure what to do about this - its a new difficulty.  We are in the middle of a new install (AGAIN!) and I don't have time for this nonsense.

I worry about work, like it's my business.  I know my bosses know what they are doing and I know they can perfectly well get along without me or my input.  I am so glad they hired the new trainer, because that means they need me even less.  I am the weak link in their chain and as sick as I feel, I don't want to be the link that breaks the chain - I would rather just let them mend the chain around me then cut me out.  They have people that can do what I do and do it better than I am capable of at the moment.  When I feel like I did today, just going through the motions - even getting some things done, I think they would be better off just replacing me.

I see my PCP tomorrow afternoon, and the A-Team on Thursday.  Not sure if anything medical remains to be done that I have not done already.  Tonight I am ready to throw in the towel, call it quits, run for the border, retire prematurely.  I would except for two things - 1) I am not independently wealthy and 2) I wouldn't leave my company in the lurch.  Things are not as they should be as far as training others on what I know/do.  Just a little more and I think they will be able to fly away on their own.  And as for the independently wealthy part, I could work at a job closer to home, or try to consult - have done it before, can do it again - just with every body part in revolt I hate to start a new endeavor, and it would probably be 18 months to see if I qualify for permanent disability.

I just need to suck it up once more, splash cold water in my face, eat a couple more saltines, go to bed and go to work tomorrow.  One bad thing about an inflamed pancreas - its kinda smooshy and ouchy and the more I move the more it hurts regardless of how little I eat.  I think I will just gird up the pancreas and push onward regardless!


  1. starting to feel like a weekend warrior! No good during the week...

  2. I just don't know how you do it. It sounds like you work for a very understanding company and it's speaks a great deal about your character that even in the worsts of times (physically), you still strive to do your job and to not "leave them in the lurch". I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.

  3. Oh my gosh dear one so sorry for you being disoriented. Praying for you. Blessings.

  4. Charlene - yes I work for a great company. I left a job with a big big corporation to work for this tiny company and have never regretted the decision one minute. I'm just thinking of it as "The Biggest Loser" by starvation.

    JBR: I suspect it is hard for my co-workers to tell when I'm disoriented or just my wacky self! :)