Happy New Year 2011

Thinking Happy Puppy Kitty Thoughts

Listening to New Year broadcasts on television, thinking happy puppy and kitten thoughts with rainbows and sparkles.  I'm sure I am now too old, because I am thinking with fondness of Guy Lombardo and His Royal Candians playing Auld Lang Syne. Sigh.

Spent part of my day with my friend who is very sick in the hospital - well actually an LTAC - long term acute care.  She is on a trach and can't speak but we put on silly hats and I told her to toe tap Auld Lang Syne as part of her physical therapy.  Pancreatitis is a serious disease and can cause organ failure and worse - she has been on a ventilator/respirator for two months.  It takes a while to get weaned off the equipment after being on it so long.  Praying that she is close to getting on the fast track to healing.  I am spelling her daughter this weekend, since her other daughter could not make it.  Makes my problems fade into nothingness when I am around someone who is so profoundly ill. 

Neurontin Day 3

Some of the side effects of the neurontin are fading today, hopefully my body is getting adjusted to the medication.  Unfortunately the ONE side effect I was sorta counting on was excessive sleepiness. That one just doesn't seem to be evident.  Rats!!!

My eyes are not so flippy after taking the neurontin but they have been sorta flippy all day.  By flippy they seem to take off on their own for a microsecond and I have to bring them back to attention.  I am hoping this will fade by the end of the weekend.

The worst of my pain is not being changed by this medication, but it has altered a lot of the low level burning and skin pain I have been experiencing, especially in my feet.  Maybe Dr. Kildare will have some other magic that can be thrown my way to reduce my overall pain levels further.  Maybe pigs will fly.  [Winny - behave yourself!!!]  I guess maybe I need to be more optimistic but it's not very easy tonight.

I think doctors must get complaints about pain a lot.  They seem to discount what people say about their pain, assuming they must be exaggerating or that they don't report pain properly.  If I am complaining of pain to a doctor it is because it is way past my ability to cope or handle.  It may be a personal prejudice, but I also think doctors pay more attention if a man complains of pain than if a woman complains of pain.

Have a safe and happy New Year's Eve and New Year's Day!!  Hoping for a fantastic and wonderful 2011!

Pancreatitis Continua

Fed Up With Belly Problems

A disappointing week for me.  The pancreatitis continues to plague me with stomach pain and a particular kind of headache you get with pancreatitis plus my struggle with dehydration continues.  My leg problems persist and Dr. SassyPants who was so optimistic a month ago is now not optomistic at all.  I am going to delay my appointment with Cleveland Clinic because I am just not well enough to travel by myself, and my driving assistant who was going along is not able to drive this next week either. 

I was feeling very ill Monday, stayed home Tuesday with some severe pain and nausea went to the ER Tuesday night - found to be dehydrated, finally got fluids and got home around 1 am Wednesday (arrived at the ER at 3:30 PM Tuesday).  My lipase levels were normal which was good but I needed liquids.  Doctor orders were to go home, rest, TAKE my pain meds, take more nausea medication for at least one more day, and if it still persists go to my regular doctor. Already feeling dehydrated again this evening, even trying to take in more fluids.  Took the oxycontin and my other meds, just feel sick in an odd way.  I've had pancreatitis make me feel this way before.  Sigh. Last time it was this bad it took eight months to resolve.

The Headache has been on the edge of taking off  maybe because of the headache I get when I have pancreatitis.  It is sticking with me well past the hospitalization - not sure why - and it is over the whole head, just worse on the left side.  The fluids last night helped some of the pain, so it might partly be a dehydration headache also.  The inability to eat is sticking with me well past last week also, not feeling too whoopy without any real food either.  Very tired yet can't sleep, except when I try to do something that needs my complete attention (like driving) then I can't stay awake.  I think my mind is in Reverso land, everything the opposite of what it should be.

Dr. SassyPants plans for my treatment disappeared Monday.  I was rather stunned, but again he has probably read the eval by the physical therapists by now, and I reported that the epidural actually seemed to make my legs worse (weaker - having problems getting up from squatting or sitting on the floor) and my urinary incontinence much worse.  He suggested yoga or aqua therapy to keep me limber, and when I said my concern was I was to be at a hospital site in August and wanted to be able to stand and do the work even with the travel he said not to count on being able to do that.  In fact he said I may not be able to do much of anything soon with The Legs, since problems have seemed to accelerate this year. 

He encouraged me to see the pain management doc and get evaluated for a spinal stimulator to see if it can help the pain. He said no more epidurals, and did not mention the botox in the piriformis muscle again. I am upset and at a loss, because it seems I am back to square one again - except it is three years later from the first time I tried to get help and the disability is much worse.  No return appointment - just a referral to a book on pain and how it effects your body - not sure if I need a book on that - think I already know too much about it already!  Guess it means you are not going to get any better by any means of modern medicine.

I missed my appointment with the pain management person Monday because I was befuddled and forgot (Dr. SassyPants through me off my stride and the dehydration was starting to make itself known) I rescheduled for Wednesday and missed that because I have been very sick today.  Hope I can make a third appointment and keep it.

I am sick enough tonight I can't think very well, and am just doing this post so I can take up some time without thinking about hurting - but then what do I write about but how much I am hurting.  Doesn't make sense but I am feeling very confused.  A dark cloud is hanging over me the last few weeks.  I actually broke down and cried for a while yesterday when the pain was at it's worse.  I am not sure what to do, and as confused as I am not sure I should even be trying to make plans until I feel a little better.

On a side note, the Skunk eradicator device just turned out to be a Skunk Amusement device.  My sister watched two skunks stop and look at it - they seemed to bob back and forth looking at the little red motion detector light, then popped it a few times with their hanneypaws, milled around, stood on their back legs and swayed to the rythm of the red lights, then went right back into the hole under her porch.  She said it was like a little video game for skunks.

Diana Lee has posted her blog carnival for this month, and it is a great source of information about summertime and migraines.  Check it out at Enjoying Summer Despite the Heat at Somebody Heal Me.  Great advice in many of the posts about how to handle being out in the summer time heat while suffering from migraine disease.

Life's Not a Teddy Bear Picnic

Using up one of my allotted Self Pity Days

Very sad tonight.  Not sure if it is the pain, the futility, the medication, the fatigue, the hunger, or the insensitivity of my family that is making me use up one of my precious self pity days.  Could it be a combination of all?  Yes indeed it could.

I am tired to the limp rag stage of fatigue. Didn't work today because of pain and medication for pain.  I cannot sleep due to the pain (even with oxycontin 2x daily) and am contemplating just not taking any pain medication tomorrow so I can work.  My bosses have been wonderful, but I feel I am letting them down too.  I am going to have to shrug off this mantel of guilt and just do what I am able to do, and ignore the rest.  I guess I will see how far I can push myself with no food, very little liquids and no pain medication.

I was selfishly counting on a little concern on how I was doing when I got home, rather than insistance on instant return to shuttle driver and provider of all needs.  My mother tries, but she is getting to the age where I am truthfully more concerned about her wellbeing when I am gone.   Just feeling the loneliness and isolation of chronic illness through a cloud of pain, nausea, and fatigue.

My bosses and friends have been great, and I am sure my family was much more supportive than I am remembering in the deep darkness of the night.  Just worried where the future is going to take me.  I was much sicker much longer this time, and was released without really having my issues resolved, mostly due to the fact that all the consulting physicians were on vacation during the 4th holiday and I needed to get back home and back to work.  Going to work tomorrow and Friday and just take it as it comes. 

Was told I would need to go back to Dr. Gnome in St. Louis again.  I can't even face the thought of the drive for the appointment and then the logistics if anything had to be done.  Too much to do this summer for work, no time to take for non emergency treatment.  Ah well, I will go be sad for a while longer, as my self pity day is not done yet, even though my family would think I was being self indulgent and selfish.  Yes I am, and I have given myself permission to be so today.

The teddy bear picnic song and dreams were a theme throughout my hospitalization this time, maybe because I was so hungry!  I kept having drugged dreams about the teddy bear picnic, maybe wishing I could go out in the woods in disguise and have a picnic with the teddy bears!

Hospitalized (AGAIN)

The Belly Revolts

Last Tuesday went to urgent care on my lunch hour because I felt really really bad.  Much pain in the midriff, was hoping it was maybe a kidney stone.  You know your life sucks when having a kidney stone is a GOOD thing!

Unfortunately it was my pancreas, with my lipase levels in the thousands so off to the hospital I go.  Luckily our client had delayed their install for this week, so I don't feel quite so bad about being sick.  Everytime I think I can just work work work like a normal person, something happens.  Big BIG sigh.

It is now Sunday July 4th - my favorite holiday of the year - and I'm stuck at the hospital, having snuck off my floor to use their very bad public kiosks to try to post something.  Can't upload or download a picture so I will illustrate later.

No food, lots of erping, lots of pain meds, a couple of nice neighbors in my room but I'm bumming.  Life could be worse.  No bad news about the pancreas, no reason for the lipase elevation, the lipase doesn't seem to want to lower very fast (my average stay for this is three days and its been six already and just hoping I get out tomorrow).  I'm blaming my trip to Cleveland as I did get a little dehydrated and they had to install a picc line instead of a standard IV because I was too dehydrated.

I did have two little cans of tomato juice today so WOW!!!  I think I'm headed down the road to recovery!  I'm going to pull up my bootstraps (or little grippy socky straps) put on my happy face, pray The Headache doesn't act up (The Legs already are) and go view the horizon this evening to see what big fireworks go off around the big city of Springfield.

Hoping all you US citizens have save and fun Fourth celebrations tonight, and if you get it a great day off tomorrow.  Eat something grilled for me!!

Emesis Basin Blues

The Belly Rules

I've been trying to put in more hours at work because we are so short handed. Had a long meeting today, and another probably tomorrow morning (I guess at this point it is later this morning). I am praying as hard as I can that I won't get sicker before that meeting. I am very discouraged that my health is interfering with my life and my career.

My belly pain has been increasing steadily the last couple of days. Tonight I am having stomach/pancreas spasms, and have been throwing up. Even though I have been using pancreatic enzymes, it did not appear that any food had actually digested (ewwww!), which for me is not a very good sign. When my pancreas enzymes get way out of whack they also seem to shut down my entire digestive system. The pain medication does not appear to be helping very much, but I might have a different feeling of effectiveness if I didn't have any in my system at all.

I thought this afternoon that I should go to the ER and get evaluated, but I really don't want to start my new year with ER visits again. You know you've been to the emergency room way too often when your insurance company sends you a form letter telling you that you have other options to see a physician. Unfortunately my own PCP and the urgent care center all recommend that I go directly to emergency if the digestive system gets out of hand.

As always I am very shakey and dizzy from throwing up and starting to feel dehydrated. The Headache has been increasing the last day or so, but the stimulator has been able to keep up with it so far. I am having a lot of pain in my back tonight and am having some trouble breathing (that started yesterday). I think I am going to have to see if my enzymes are too high.

Hoping to keep going as long as possible. Just not having high hopes for tomorrow. Sigh and sigh again!