Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Sad Clown Kind Of Day

Wishing I Could Cheer Up

Not a good day for me.  I am overwhelmed with pelvic pain and leg pain.  I actually could see today where there might be an end to me being able to walk or drive. I am at the edge of where I cannot handle it, physically or emotionally.  The nerve pain in my feet is curling my toes and all I can do right now is hunker down and get through it.

The increase in pain medication has been good in a way and bad in others.  The background all the time pain is less, and some of the heavier duty pain has decreased - this is good!!!  I am doing more with less pain at the time I am doing it.  This is good and this is bad.  My pain stores get overloaded later and now I'm back where it is almost impossible for me to use my feet when driving.  Pushing on the brake pedal is excruciating.  The pain is up the legs and in my pelvic region and then up inside my lower abdomen.  Using the accelerator is almost as terrible.  This is bad. Sigh.

I am not sure how I will get to St. Louis next week to see Dr. House.  I guess I will just be tough and get there and somehow get back.  I wish I was wealthier because I would catch a plane there and back and at least would not have to drive four hours there and four hours back.  I may drive up one day and back another so I can rest frequently.  Hoping I don't have some kind of bizarre leg test while I am there that will make them go wonky...it would just be my luck.

I am bummed out, on the verge of tears.  I try not to break down because that doesn't help anything, and then I start the pity party, and then when it's all over everything is still the same as it was when it started.  I don't know what would become of Mom if I can't keep going, so stopping is not an alternative.  I think it is just a convergence of suckiness and sickness and pain all at once. I need to come up with some kind of innovative solution for it all....

I wonder if you can get a kick start for your legs, like on a motorcycle??  I could rev my throttle, get'em spinning and then off I would go!!!  Just like Fred Flinstone and that car he powered with his feet!  Now I'm feeling happier already.  I'll have a Yabbadabbadoo time running all the way to St. Louis!


  1. :( I hope things improve for you, Winny!

  2. Oh winny, My heart is saddened by this. Sounds like a good cry might not be a bad idea. Sometimes allowing yourself to really experience your emotions is the best way to get through tough times. I know you are very strong and when you're done you will move forward.

  3. Steph: Better today, the pain is better - don't know why.

    Migrainista: I did have a good cry, but I had to stop and get back to normal today. Too much to do and not enough time to do it in!!!

  4. PS Emmett Kelly (the sad clown in the picture) is from Missouri I believe. He used to sweep up the spotlight as part of his act...

  5. I had a crying, screaming temper tantrum yesterday because I am so sick of this pain...and the damn ringing in my ears doesn't help any. No drugs even knock me out anymore. At least when I was desperate...the meds would put me to sleep. Now I am so damn tolerant...it doesn't do squat. And I am afraid to keep taking more and more for fear of overdosing or respiratory depression.

    So...while I don't exactly feel that type of pain...I feel your pain.

    Maybe the patch isn't enough???

  6. Jessica: I think the patch isn't enough but would like to explore maybe something else to assist like a muscle relaxer or more neurontin (if I didn't have to go to the bathroom so much)...same issue with respiratory depression I have quit breathing when medicated in a hospital setting before - that's scary. I'm not changing anything until I see Dr. House, but I don't expect any ideas from him, just negative correlation - no you don't have this and no you don't have that....

    I think all pain is equal in the brain. Our kind of pain just "burns" in quicker!!!

  7. Dear one, glad to read your pain is better today. I know it is a one day at a time thing for you. I just cannot imagine the constant pain one lives day in and day out in. ((((Winny))))

  8. JBR: I at least have known many years without pain, so I am thankful for those...