Disaster Day

Car Trouble Troubles

On my way to a doctor appointment this morning, and then to work when my car broke down on the interstate.  Not completely broken down, but I had the accelerator pedal to the floor and all the faster the car would go was 20 mph.  I could have run faster even with BLING.  I was able to drive on the emergency strip and get to an exit to see if my brother could help.  My poor old car belched blue and white smoke and back fired on the way off the interstate and THEN I could hear something that sounded like an exhaust leak or a vacuum leak.  Big Sigh.

This is the bad part about everyone you know being broke - just getting someone to drive 15 miles to follow you back in your sucky car is an adventure in frustration.  I was lucky, my brother was able to drive to my sisters and borrow her vehicle to come and drive behind me home.  He is retired, but worked for years as a master mechanic for large equipment, so he did some basic diagnosing of the car.

Ended up changing the fuel filter, changing the spark plugs, fixing a vacuum leak and THEN finding the cause of it all - an electronic solid state gadget the spark plug wires and the fuel system computer plug into.  Eighty some dollars later (I already had the spark plugs or that would have been another $45) my old Taurus was purring like a kitten and actually accelerated when I gave it more gas!  No telling how long that doodad was going out.  My car has about 190,000 miles on it.  I bought it brand new in 2002 with my last perk from the great big giant insurance company I used to work for - a Ford employee discount.  I hope that it lasts for quite a while longer as I don't know how I will be able to replace it.  I told a gal at work when I called in today that if I showed up to work in a 1988 Marquis then they would know the Taurus had bit the dust, and that was all I could afford to replace it with!!!

I missed my dermatology appointment but will call tomorrow morning to rebook.  Now it will probably be years into the future - the dermatologist will have to check my wrinkles for wrinkles!  Dr. Calm was so nice, he called Dr. Pepper and they cancelled the IVP.  Now I will have to have an outpatient procedure that requires general anesthesia called cystoscopy with retrograde pyelogram.  Dr. Pepper's nurse gave me some attitude this morning when I called to make sure the IVP and the followup doctor visit had been cancelled, but then lightened up later when she figured out her own doctor cancelled the procedure.

The urologist will insert a cystoscope via the urethra into the bladder, and then up the ureters towards the kidney.  The urologist's nurse assured me there would be NO contrast used, however all the literature on the web says that it is a type of fluoroscopy procedure and that a small amount of iodinated contrast will be used.  I am not going to give permission for any iodinated contrast to be used.  The ERCP I had for my pancreatic/biliary sphincterotomy I expressed concern about the contrast and  was told it was a small amount yet I had anaphylaxis and I came out of the hospital with my permanent headache.  It just isn't worth it to me.

I go in for that on May 11th.  I have been so sick last weekend and today with abdominal issues.  I have spikes of pain piercing my left temple as The Headache has slipped its bounds.  I have terrible nausea and I have been doing the dance of pain all evening between The Feet, The Legs, The Abdomen, and The Pelvis.  Hoping maybe this test will help me figure out what is happening but truly doubt it will do anything except let me meet my out of pocket maximum by May 12th.

I need to call tomorrow to check with Dr. House's staff about the rest of my blood tests.  Apparently the doctors learning the trade there could not figure out what lab tests had been ordered, vs. resulted, vs. in the chart, so I have to call back this week.  Another Big Sigh.  I wish I was rich and had an assistant to do this for me! 

Another task ahead of me is getting a full dental evaluation as my PCP and I discussed the sad shape of my teeth.  Once I had very nice teeth, but now the enamel is falling off, and the enamel on the back of my upper teeth is missing, due to excessive vomiting from my digestive issues.  I would like to get a couple of implants before going the false chopper direction, but due to my diminished financial circumstances fear I will have to end up at the local discount dental butcher shop and get the teeth pulled and some cheap choppers stuck on.  Life in the economy lane is not very fun when it comes to dental work.

Buffalo Herd Skating = Happiness?

Knuckle Down Buckle Down and Do It

 My sister reminded me today of an old Roger Miller song, Can't Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd, we used to sing and I'm thinking that's my answer. Been in the dumps lately, can't seem to climb out....maybe all I've got to do is Knuckle Down, Buckle Down, and Do It, Do It, Do It to get my happy back.

Traveled a few days last week to a new client.  Love the interaction, traveled with a great crew, but I did a dumb thing.  I forgot my cane BLING.  I left it setting on the edge of the table in the sunroom.  Legs don't fail me now I was thinking.  I could have gotten myself a new cane on the way but I thought - I will be sitting down most of the time, I won't need it.  Wrong!  It's been payback time since Thursday night.  I couldn't even safely drive to work Friday, my feet wouldn't push against the brake pedals well enough to stop.  They have been in spasms and hurting ever since.

The Legs were functional for the most part during the trip.  I was able to tip myself up on the feet and once I got tromping The Legs got with the program.  Late at night and these last few days The Legs got really upset with me.  Oh. My. God.  Wish I had an off switch.  I found some lidoderm patches I had packed in this luggage from a couple of years ago when my occipital stimulator got installed (hadn't used this particular piece of luggage for quite a while!!).  I used a couple and they helped some of the cramping in my calves, so I may ask my PCP Monday if he could prescribe these for me to try.  I'd like to exhaust all avenues before trying to increase pain medication again and I don't think pain meds will help the cramping muscle problems anyway.  Sigh.

Last weekend a friend came over and we went to Sonic and laughed and talked and had a great time during the 50% off drink special - I had a strawberry limeade - my favorite.  I needed some time to be a person instead of a caretaker for awhile and just to listen to her talk about her daughter and her grandbabies was great. Her oldest grandbaby is in high school now!!!  I remember when he was born.   Big Sigh!!

The cleaning rampage is continuing but at a slower pace.  Thank heaven!  Must have been a full moon or something to put me over the edge.  For me, when I am upset I quit eating and I want to clean everything.  If you saw me and my house, you would know I am seldom upset!!  Ha!  So maybe cleaning was a way to metaphorically clean house upstairs in my brain too.

Maybe all the cleaning and the travel has been too much exercise for The Headache.  I have had to up the voltage and change the programs in my occipital stimulator quite a few times this week.   Perhaps it is the horrid wet windy weather?  Just wish it would behave while The Legs are dancing in pain.  The Belly has been in a fix too, I think it is because I ate some "fry bread" vegetarian taco's at the client's cafeteria last week.  Delicious but way way way too much fat!!  Their chef was so kind when she found out I had a mammalian meat allergy tho.  She had actually heard of it, so woohoo!!!

I am waiting for my blood test results from Dr. House in St. Louis.  I left a message last week, but was gone most of the week so I don't know if he tried to catch me at home or not.  I am just guessing since I have not heard from them that my test results were normal.  Generally in health care they don't waste time giving you bad news, but are in no hurry at all to give you good news.

This next week I have at least 3 or 4 doctor appointments.  I see my PCP about The Legs tomorrow, and a followup on the kidney stones.  I have been running a pretty good sized fever and have been off antibiotics for about five days so suspect I still have an infection.  The nerve damage in my pelvic area is so bad I cannot tell if I have a bladder infection until I am throwing up and have terrible back pain, so it is difficult for me to know what is causing the fevers.  I see Dr. Calm (my immunologist) for a routine followup, and since The Hives have been especially vile lately I will see if he recommends anything more than I am doing.  I would like to have Dr. House's results before that appointment in case something immunological popped up.  I also see my urologist, Dr. Pepper, next week for a specialist followup for the kidney stones.   Since the stones didn't move through very well this time the ER doc I saw after the infection set in suggested I see my specialist.  Big Sigh Again.

I am waiting to hear back from Dr. House before really deciding about retiring because of disability.  I guess I am keeping some obscure hope alive that something might be wrong with The Legs that I can fix.  I want a full array of information before I try to make a life changing decision.

I will try and reach for my happiness again this week.  I feel defeated, withdrawn, overwhelmed with my own issues and with handling other people's issues in my home.  I need to strap on my roller skates and get out there with the buffaloes and go for it, no matter what the song says.  I might just succeed!!!

Finally - Dr. House

Crisis Management vs. Healthcare Appointment

Life here at my house has been not only hectic but in a tizzy.  I have not been blogging, and I have been staying close to home mostly because I had to help manage someone else's serious health issues and my Mom needed me close by.   She does not have the coping skills to keep up when events turn sideways quickly. Tonight I have some time to blog because while the crisis is not totally past I know everyone involved is safe and well cared for at this time.

The crisis was an hangover from the prior week, so my week got even better when kidney stone #2 of 2011 decided to pass Tuesday night. I debated about calling an ambulance. The pain (even with the fentanyl patch) was so severe I could not drive, stand or doing anything but squeak icky noises. My Mom was having enough problem coping with the other issues, I just couldn't leave her at home while I went to the ER to get help with KS#2. I rationalized that the ambulance would take 20 minutes to get to my house, the ride would take another 45 minutes, and I wouldn't get any pain relief at the hospital for at least another hour - and by then the stone might have passed. I toughed it out and finally got some liquids down my gullet to help push KS#2 down the path after about five hours of extreme spasms. Not something I would recommend if you didn't have to. Big sigh.

Wednesday I wasn't eating much of anything because of KS#2, but I had a tiny piece of some cashew brittle.  I don't eat cashews very often and never cashew brittle but thought maybe the sugar would pick me up and the protein in the cashew would actually digest.  I started having an anaphylactic reaction - joints swelling, stomach hurting awfully, hives popping out, itching itching ITCHING.  I thought - if I use the Epipen I will have to go to the emergency room, so I took two benedryls and a phenergan instead.  This did drop the swelling and some of the itching and stomach pain but I had forgotten I am wearing a fentanyl patch for pain.  I got a little scared because it did become difficult to breathe.  With anaphylaxis it is hard to tell if the problem with breathing is asthma, anaphylactic reaction, or medication problem.  I used my rescue inhaler but it didn't help much.  I think this was a drug-drug interaction between the benedryl, phenergan and fentanyl.  Too much too quickly.  I guess next time I will use an epipen.  Bigger sigh.


I had my appointment Thursday with Dr. House in St. Louis concerning The Legs and the neuropathic pain and weakness.  I had planned on taking Wednesday to drive up to St. Louis (because I fall asleep so badly when I drive it takes me at least a couple more hours to drive this than normal) spend the night, go to my doctor appointment, toodle around St. Louis some, maybe eat some really good Italian food on The Hill, go to Union Station, shop at the Dillard's outlet store - my usual St. Louis jaunt - spend the night again and drive back home Friday.  With The Problems at home taking precedence I decided to drive up and back on Thursday.  Very Big sigh.

I left at one in the morning.  The normal four and a half hour drive took me almost seven hours.  I had to keep pulling over to take a nap.  Nothing kept me awake.  Lately driving at night has gotten me very disoriented.  I seem to lose directional sense and depth perception.  Just what all the other drivers really needed to have on the road with them.  If I had only had the money I would have gotten airplane tickets to St. Louis, and then taxi'd it to Barnes Jewish for the appointment.  Ah well, I was very cautious driving and as dawn approached my vision difficulties got better.  Sigh yet again.

Fecal incontinence makes traveling a difficult problem.  Normally I won't drink very many fluids for two or three days before traveling, and don't drink very much during travel.  However passing KS#2 became a priority so I was primed full of fluids.  I took extra clothing with me, and was very glad because mid way I had an accident.  Since my external sphincter is not as functional as it should be, I just don't have pucker power.  As I explained to my colorectal specialist once the poop chute is loaded the payload delivers regardless.  I changed clothes twice before my appointment.  I was so glad I had brought the extras!!!

My appointment with Dr. House was at 9:30 am, but I got there early and was seen much earlier.  I had been to the Center for Advanced Medicine for Washington University Medical School, and Barnes Jewish Hospital before.  I saw Dr. Bellyfixer about the digestive issues I had from the radiation therapy overexposure in 2004.  He was quite helpful, and I found Dr. House and his team just as thorough and helpful.  Wash U definitely Rocks!!!

A young neurologist took my history and did a physical exam.  He did notice my permanent hive on my nose - I told him it was my Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer spot.  I guess it helps that I had gotten some sun, because that makes it shine more perfectly beautiful.  I warned him I already had several rare diseases, and if I got one more rare disease I might not believe it. Ha!!  I was so tired I am not sure if I made very good sense.  Good lord I had to remember who was president and do math and spell things backwards!  This is a woman who just pooped her pants twice in the last 7 hours.  I don't know if I was competent to do anything that required brain power...  When he got out the large safety pin to poke me with, I almost pooped my pants again.  Ouch! 

I had brought copies of xrays/mri's/ct scans that Young Dr. Kildare had said Dr. House would need.  Nope - didn't need any of them because I don't have a physical issue with my spine or hips.  I brought copies of Dr. Kildare's notes, nope they didn't need any of them.  They were glad that I had brought the immunology labs and some DNA testing I had done (I thought of that on my very own - take THAT Dr. Kildare!!!).  Dr. House and the young neurologist consulted with each other out in the hallway, then Dr. House came in and introduced himself.  Very nice, not like the TV Dr. House at all.  No arrogance, no immediate attempt to blame me for my problems.

Dr. House repeated part of the physical neurological exam.  Thank heavens - no current event quiz, spelling bee or math problems.  I was halfway expecting him to make them more difficult - there is a train traveling east at 40 mph etc. etc. etc.  Whew!!!  We discussed why Dr. Kildare had sent me there, and his conclusion that I had small fiber neuropathy.  We also discussed my problems with my bowels, bladder, pelvic pain, and nerve pain and that I associate the onset with my vaginal brachytherapy treatments in 2004.  Dr. House said he was going to repeat the EMG and nerve conduction tests using their techniques before he decided I had small fiber neuropathy.  If the tests were negative, then I might need to have a nerve biopsy.  He said their techniques were generally more sensitive than the ones I had in Springfield by Dr. Welby.

I got my blood test orders and the nerve test orders and was sent directly to the EMG lab.  The lady doing most of the test took her time and did much more extensive testing and also warmed up my foot saying if it was cold it could distort the test.  A doctor came in after she was done and read the results of her tests.  It showed a very subtle difference between the speed of the nerves in my arms verses the speed of the nerves in my legs. He said that he would probably say I had large fiber neuropathy, but did the needle part of the test which was normal first.  He went to discuss his findings with Dr. House.

The lab got me admitted to their services and I gave about a gallon of blood for some tests for other causes of neuropathy.  Not sure what they were but Dr. House said it would take a couple of weeks to get the results back so they may have to ship some of it off.

I went back to Dr. House's office to see if I needed a nerve biopsy.  He said that they had all concluded that I had large fiber neuropathy (which Dr. Welby had not detected).  I asked the cause and he did not say that it was diabetes, but he did say he just couldn't prove it was the radiation.  I asked him about the weakness and the pain increasing with activity and he said that was normal with this type of neuropathy.  I asked about physical therapy, would it benefit me, and he said probably not.  I asked about medication and he said I was getting what he would have recommended, but that I might double the fentanyl for more adequate pain relief.  He said I should call back in a couple of weeks if I didn't hear from them about the blood tests.  He said I might have small fiber neuropathy also but the majority of The Leg issues are from the large fiber neuropathy.  Huge sigh.

I got out at about noon, which is fantastic with everything that I did, and started home.  I got home about 6 PM and ended up going to a hospital and leaving there at about midnight because of The Problem.  By the time I got home I was so exhausted I was falling asleep standing up.  I slept very late Friday, and a lot of the day today.  Right now I am so tired I am falling asleep writing this - you probably can tell!!!  Triple huge sigh.

I go back to see Dr. House in six months.  I see Dr. Kildare in a couple of months.  I know that I have large fiber neuropathy, which is more consistent with radiation induced plexopathy but can also be from a lot of different things as it is the most common kind of neuropathy.  I also know that I do not feel cold the same in both of my feet.  One does not feel cold the same as the other.  Hoping the warm foot can teach the rest of my body how to feel warm instead of cold!!  I know there is not a lot that can be done other than what I am already doing for the pain.  Maybe a reason for the problem will come up when the blood test results are in.

The Headache behaved pretty well for all the activity.  The Legs and the pelvic pain and KS#2, not so well.  My mind is the same jumble it was before The Problem hit, and all the travel, and all the walking.  Hoping getting more rest tomorrow will help.  If this post is a little goofy, that is because I am majorly goofy tonight.  Gonna try to get some sleep.  Biggest Sigh Ever!!!

Getting Back to My Old Normal?

One Crisis Over, Waiting for The Next

I used to say my life was like living in a lower apartment and waiting for the next shoe to drop and my upstairs neighbor had a bigger shoe obsession than Imelda Marcos (I guess you have to be my age to understand THAT joke).  One problem gets solved, three more jump up to get in line to be next.  Big Sigh!

I haven't been blogging much this month because my Mom has been taking a lot of my attention and energy.  She had her gallbladder removed laproscopically a week ago today.  Seven huge gallstones were stuck in it AND it had adhered itself by all its edges to her liver because of adhesions from her colon resection a few years ago.  One other issue solved by the operation - her constant runny nose seems to be gone.  Wonder if gallstones can make your nose run??

Mom is 81 years old, and did not bounce back from this operation very quickly.  Her blood pressure was too low for her to receive pain medication for hours after the surgery so she and I stayed the night at the hospital.  I told the nurse at about 6:30 PM that I was uncomfortable taking her home in too much pain and so far away from the hospital.  Mom was feeling better about one or two in the morning, and I was feeling worse.  I am way past the age where I can comfortably sleep on two chairs pushed together!   The Legs and The Belly and The Headache were determined to keep me awake, in addition my back needed a right angle in the middle of it to make me fit in those chairs!  I stayed with Mom, determined to keep her oriented as to where she was and what was happening, and helping with technology like call lights and cell phones.

We made it home Friday afternoon, and it took Mom until Wednesday morning to feel close to normal again.  I finally had to make her walk walk walk to get all her innards to work again.  Even with pain medication I am sure it hurt, and I hated to do it, but things were not progressing because she just wanted to sleep and not move.  After walking and drinking lots of liquids she started feeling better.  Today she was as grumpy as could be, a sure sign of improvement.  Unfortunately she was also grumpy Saturday Sunday Monday Tuesday and Wednesday!!!  But grumpy is improving both in the frequency of the complaints and the substance of what she is complaining about, so I am glad she is grumpy.  Next week we return to see the surgeon and then on another day go to see the vascular surgeon about the aortic aneurysm.

More ill health has hit members of the family since I last wrote.  We have absolutely no luck in health related issues.  I am wishing the tide is turning and better health and more energy are coming our way!

I saw my PCP today, and he is increasing my fentanyl patch from 12 mcg/hr to 25 mcg/hr.  This is because I am still having significant pelvic, leg, lower back, and abdominal pain not to mention break through pain from The Headache.  I was asked what parts of my body are working OK, and I put my hands at my eyebrow level and said from here up I'm at 100%, everything else is toast.  Got a laugh but I really wasn't kidding!

I was able to wander into work today, and actually felt useful.  I was able to help several co-workers with some problems and work with a client on what they need to do to set up and bill for new services at their location.  Healthcare is never easy.  Something you would think is simple is extremely complicated, and something normally complicated in any other type of business is generally almost insurmountably terrible and mixed up with state and federal regulations that are unbelievable. 

Other countries do not have this hopelessly convoluted system we have developed here in order to capture cost and get reimbursement for services.  I don't think healthcare reform will ever touch this either, as there are entire industries devoted to special areas of healthcare management and reimbursement.  I guess its good that my company is very flexible - an advantage to being small, it is very nimble and able to make large changes very quickly.  It is one of the things I truly love about how they/we work!

Thinking of work, I am praying that the increased duragesic (fentanyl) dosage will allow me more pain free hours and increased functionality.  My PCP said today what I had already figured out - pain relief is not going to change the physical problems like weakness and leg cramps and foot cramps (I didn't know how far my feet could curl downwards until I started having these about a year ago - OUCH!) and inability to stand/walk for long distances or periods of times.  Big Sigh again.

I go on April 9th to see Dr. House at Washington University in St. Louis to see if there is any unknown metabolic or other bizarre lurking illness to blame for my leg problems.  I told my PCP I am not quite sure what I am going to see Dr. House for because all I can get is bad news or worse news, there is no possiblity left in my mind for good news.  Just another shoe dropping from my overhead neighbor to anticipate!

Hoping you have all had good days since I last looked.  I will try to get caught up on my reading in the next couple of days - I feel so disconnected.  I have just not had the energy or the will to do much in the last week.  Hoping for better things next week and the week after!

Daylight Eye Trouble

Scary Scotoma

Woke up this morning feeling mighty fuzzyheaded.  Sure now it is the neurontin that I have started up again.  Trying to get ready for work this morning I experienced almost an hour of a visual scotoma that took up my entire peripheral vision fields, leaving the middle part clear until the very end.  It was like a fluctuating curtain surrounding my central vision.  I was not able to really see what I was doing so I just sat in the bathroom where I was showering until I was able to see again.

I was very confused afterward so I sat around for about an hour or so to see if the confusion would clear and it did not.  I may be having a worsening of The Headache and just not feeling pain as my left eye was not wanting to behave either.  I gave up around noon and called in and told work I would not be able to make it.  I am so tired and done in I just want to give  up entirely but I will recuperate this evening, brush myself off, and try again tomorrow.

I never had a visual scotoma in my life until I took Topamax.  I was very droopy and tippy on Topamax and I started experiencing scintillating scotomas.  They disappeared after stopping Topamax, and I associated these with the intense eye pain that Topamax induced as a nondesirable side effect. I now occassionally have an episode of scintillating or non-scintillating visual scotomas, so not sure if Topamax made a permanent change somewhere in my hardwiring or if The Headache just likes to mess with my vision to throw me off stride.  I don't seem to have an increase in The Headache pain when I have these - I probably should check my blood pressure the next time (if there is a next time) this happens although I doubt if there is any physical reason for these other than The Headache.

I slept most of the day today.  At least I remember what I did today!!  Yeah!!  I'm ready for my brain to reboot and start functioning in neurontin mode again.  The Belly is not happy tonight, but I'm happy because The Legs are still - no dancing in pain for me this evening!!  Yeah again!!!

I have an appointment with Dr. House at the Washington University Neuromuscular Clinic on April 7th at nine AM concerning The Legs.  This is in St. Louis, a good four hour drive away, so I guess I will go up the evening before and stay at a hotel.  The Great Big Corporation I worked for had a base of operations in St. Louis a few blocks further downtown so I am very comfortable finding a hotel nearby.  I used to go there on a regular basis when I was a project manager for them.  I could fly in and back but flights to St. Louis from Springfield Missouri are terribly expensive - I guess because business customers will pay whatever the rate may be if there is a need for the flight.  I think this will be another dead end for me concerning The Legs but I promised myself last fall I will be persistant in trying to find a solution to The Legs.  Washington University has a world class neurology department so hopefully if there is anything to be done Dr. House will find it.

I go to see my PCP next Monday for a followup on the neurontin, and to see how I am doing otherwise.  I am glad he is a great advocate for me with other doctors.  He tries different approaches if one is not working, something I have not had good success with convincing specialists to do.  Just wish I didn't have to see him as often as I do.  There was a day (pre cancer) when I only went to the doctor a couple of times a year to have my synthyroid dose checked.  Now I go to the doctor way way way too often in my estimation.  Too many systems not working right.  Big sigh.

Winny Vs. Dr. Kildare

Round 3 - I'm Pissed

Had my follow up visit with Dr. Kildare.   Now that he has taken the time to read my medical records, he seems to think I am not a well person. No duh!  His exact words were "You are a very ill person" and my reply was "I realize that", and I don't think I said that in a pleasant tone of voice.

He hem hawed around about small fiber neuropathy and that the test I had done there over a month ago could only detect LARGE fiber neuropathy.  Instead of saying I do not have a problem because the test was negative, as it was implied at my last visit, this time he said well, after close review of my records I do seem to have some sort of problem.  Huh.

Although I have "a problem" he does not know what it is or what caused it, nor does he have a treatment plan, a pain management strategy, or suggestions on possible lifestyle modifications to help me cope.  He then said, well - we are just a small town - we don't have the resources of larger hospitals like Washington University/Barnes Jewish in St. Louis.  "Your case is very complicated, and I'd like you to go see a specialist at Washington University."  Exactly what I told them a month ago - cut to the chase and refer me somewhere else.  I don't think I looked pleased.  After all this was probably a $450 visit to be told I need to see another specialist, wait more time, take more tests because everything I had told them was true and now I needed to have another set of eyes look at my case.  Augh!!!

He then said I seemed angry. Hmmm. I told him he was correct, I was "pissed".  He said this could be a sign of depression.  I said "This isn't a sign of depression. I am PISSED."  He then said depression comes in many forms, and anger was one of them.  I told him, "I am just a very direct person and I am pissed off! That's how people behave where I grew up.  I am tired of going to doctors and not getting any answers and going to more doctors."  He then tried again with the depression ploy and anger being a trait of depression.  I said "This is a personality trait that goes back 52 years.  When I am angry for a reason I let you know why.  This is NOT depression."  Has he never met a type A personality in a woman before??  Get a clue!

He then wanted to talk about my health condition and my mood, which had deteriorated by that point.  I said I preferred not to talk about the impact of my health issues on my daily life. I already knew his solution would have been to refer me to somebody else, and I was getting to the huffy point. I said I needed a plan to keep on working, or to make a decision NOT to keep on working, but nothing, nada, zilch, except send me to yet another doctor. Argh!!

So my "plan" at the moment is to see Dr. Kildare every 6 months for a checkup, for what purpose I do not know.  He told me that there was no cure for what ails me (whatever it may be -  he seemed to think he had a diagnosis hidden back to be confirmed by the Washington University doctor).  Enough said.  Not really interested in contributing to his retirement fund.  Right now I am only jumping through these hoops in the hope I will actually get a "real" diagnosis.  Dr. Kildare has already marked "diabetic radiculopathy" off my diagnosis list - didn't even know I had gotten that one!  He said he would coordinate my treatment with the Washington University specialist.

The plan for the Washington University specialist is for me to get an appointment there (which is probably going to be another month or two) and hand carry the radiology CD's of all of my CT and MRI scans to the appointment.  The doctor there is a specialist in neuromuscular diseases especially autoimmune neuromuscular diseases.  I have not met him yet, but I am calling him Dr. House - since he is going to have all the answers.  I suppose I could have autoimmune neuropathy, I have several different autoimmune problems.  I suspect it will be more money thrown down the rabbit hole never to return.

I am not sure if I have the fortitude left to go on with this charade.  I told Dr. Kildare that I was at the last tiny bit of pain tolerance I had left.  The pain has been difficult enough that I have had to steel myself just to put clothes on my legs and pelvic area.  The neurontin is helping the pain but Dr. Kildare says I won't be able to tolerate a higher dose.  I'm pretty sure that must be true because that was the only treatment level comment I got out of him in an hour.  My blood pressure was still very very elevated today. Maybe they believed me about the pain because of that??  It probably was because I was pissed, rather than the pain!

I'm complaining, but at least Dr. Kildare was not overtly obnoxious like the last time where he tried to sincerely convince me that since the nerve conduction test was negative every thing was just fine.  I did have to cancel my March 2011 appointment and now I have a late June 2011 appointment.  I'm not sure if I am going to bother keeping it.  Maybe I'll be in a better mood tomorrow.

Neurontin Day 8 600 mg at bedtime.

No sleepiness - it is 2:23 AM and I am still wired.  The Headache seems to be trying to make a comeback tonight.  I think the neurontin is aggravating it.  The hives are not happy either, but I don't want to take any benedryl since it is so late already.  I am somewhat dizzy.  Not sure if its the meds, the kidney stones, or the fact that I have not eaten solid food (except for a grapefruit and I don't know if that counts as a solid) in several days.  The nausea is very bad. 

I am off to Michigan in a couple of weeks, and praying that my legs will hold out for one more trip.  I was hoping I would have some different treatment to try before I needed to go back up North.  Big sigh.

I'm going to get my heating pad all warmed up and see if I can get myself off to sleepy land.  Hoping you all have great days the rest of this week.  I was wishing today that I had Spanky McFarland with me to go "Pow Right in the Kisser" and give Dr. Kildare the smackdown.  One more remark about anger and depression and I was ready to give Dr. Kildare a depression on his skull with my cane!  But I am a civilized being and although extremely "pissed" I did not act on my thoughts physically. Besides, I value BLING too much to inflict damage on it.