Shattered Brain

Broken Head

Lost day yesterday. It was my Mom's birthday, but either The Headache was making me very sick, or The Belly was. I think it was The Headache. Got through the morning OK, but the afternoon was bad. That evening my sister was kind enough to cook and host a birthday dinner for my 79 year old Mom, so I medicated so I could attend. I managed to make it through the meal, then crashed on her couch until we left. My brother drove so I could take enough medication to keep from ruining the evening for everyone else. All four of us were able to be there, so that was nice for my Mom.

Today The Headache is aggravating me. Sorta payback for last week travels, poor Wilsy passing on, and trying to have a relaxing evening out. The pain is not so bad, but the thought disorganization is not good. I have not taken any medications today so figure even though the pain is not so bad The Headache is creating havoc in my brain.

Worked a few hours from home this evening as I am having trouble getting to sleep. Tomorrow I work, then Tuesday morning I am in Kansas City early for the immunologist appointment, and Wednesday I go for the endoscopic ultrasound. Very tired, so I may medicate and head off to sleep soon. Trying hard not to use medication - the stimulator is doing 80% of the work medication did, but there are days I need the extra 20% to function. This day seems to be one of them.

Ah well, tomorrow will soon be here as it is almost 2 AM. Working towards getting back to a normal schedule next week. I Need to get back to a normal schedule, as the new install starts my hours will increase to more than full time. I will have to pump myself up and rev the head to get it working. Maybe super glue will help me put it all back together or else I can get a pull start like chainsaws use for my brain! My brain is definitely not as sharp as a chainsaw today, and I guess judging from this ad maybe I need some diet Mountain Dew to get my brain working and to avoid ferrets??

Triggers Vs. Symptoms

Getting Fenced In

While I do not currently have migraines, I had migraines for almost 30 years. At first I did not realize what was happening to me. I blamed everything for my spates of "illness" except migraines. During a yearly physical when I was in my early 20's a doctor diagnosed me with "common" migraines, a revelation that made me realize "Idiot, all those restaurants you went to couldn't possibly have given you food poisoning every time!"

Back then there wasn't a lot of material available to read about the causes of migraines, or triggers of migraines. There weren't a lot of medications available either. If caffergot didn't fix it, I was told there wasn't much else I could do except wait the migraine out. Since I never had an aura letting me know ahead of time that I had a migraine, the caffergot was not effective since by the time I realized I had a migraine my digestive system was no longer working and the pills were too little too late.

Over the years I realized that certain things would bring on a migraine. Since I often did not know I was having a migraine until the pain got intrusive it was very hard to differentiate a trigger or causitive factor from a symptom brought on by the migrainous process.

One of the ways I learned to test a trigger verses a symptom was to retest a suspected trigger at a later date. If the pain was recreated I added that trigger to the list of "things to avoid". Another trick was how quickly the pain became unbearable after the triggering event. If it was bad within two hours, that trigger was added to the list of "things to avoid".

If I noticed something that always worsened as the pain worsened (photophobia [sensitivity to light], hyperacusis or phonophobia [sensitivity to sound],osmophobia or dysosmia [sensitivity to odors]) I considered it a symptom, not a cause. Some sorta were both - like sensitivity to odors: certain petrochemicals and certain perfumes would start a cascade of pain within 20 minutes of smelling them, which put them in the trigger category. Others, like a sensitivity to Prell shampoo only occured during a migraine which put them in the symptom category.

Triggers that definitely caused a full blown migraines within two hours of exporsure for me were: raw onions, garlic, red wine, very good basalmic vinegar, mold, moldy or aged cheese, chocolate/cocoa, diesel engine fumes, WD40 lubricant, high levels of MSG and penicillin. Symptoms that were present only when a migraine was active were sensitivity to light, sensitivity to sound, sensitivity to all odors, and the inability to digest food.

Migraine sufferers have so much information available to them now. There are such great assessment tools and trigger information on the web its hard to imagine the days when you had to go to a good reference library and look up everyting in 20 year old medical books. The active blogging community adds some great resources for research also, and add a personal perspective that is missing from the research libary method of information gathering.

My current headache condition, hemicrania continua, does not have a triggering event. One thing does increase the frequency of severe pain and the severity of the pain and that is exercise/activity. The more I am active the worse things get. Weird, eh? Hoping you all have great weekends, and pain free days ahead. Wishing my triggers had been as cooperative as Roy Roger's horse!

Goodbye Dear Wilson

Sad Day Back from Travel

I was at a client Tuesday, Wednesday and part of the day today. My cat Wilson (who would have been 20 years old in December) had been failing in health the last few weeks. She was not in pain, she was just very old. This morning before I could get home Wilson passed on peacefully in her sleep.

When I got home, I had to try to dig a hole to bury Wilson in my pet cemetery out back. Thank heavens my brother helped, as my soil here in the Ozarks is 90% rock and 10% soil. You don't really dig holes, as much as you pry rocks out of the ground until a hole is made. We wrapped Wilson in her warm rug and placed her near my great dane Pepper's grave, and put some large stones from the selection we unearthed to mark the spot.

Wilsy was a sweet kitten, my white worm, the ice maiden who scorned all other cats and kittens but loved my little dachshund Augie. She was given to me 18 years ago by a lady I worked with who had to move to an apartment and could not keep Wilson. It took almost a year before Wilsy settled into her routine here at her home, but she was quite the queen kitty and ruled all she could survey. I shall miss her, but will meet her one day on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge.

I'm sad and tired, worn out from the week, and missing my Wils. I know she was ready to go, but I am never ready to let go. Ah well, tomorrow will be here before I know it and maybe tomorrow will be better, at least I keep telling myself that.

The Illusion of Control

Coasting through Life On Crazy Wheels

con·trol
Pronunciation: \kən-ˈtrōl\
Function: verb
a : to exercise restraining or directing influence over : regulate
b : to have power over : rule
c : to reduce the incidence or severity of especially to innocuous levels
(...control a disease)

I'm not sure if everyone knows what crazy wheels are - those are the types of wheels that are on shopping carts that can turn in any direction at anytime, regardless of what direction you are trying to push the cart. You think you are directing the cart where you want it to go, but at any second one of those wheels can lock and then you are dragging the cart around the store trying to force it down the aisles.

That recalcitrant cart is a metaphor for my life. I think I am in control. I do all the right things at the right times. I try to put my ducks in a row, plan ahead, be proactive. I go to great lengths to do c above - "reduce the incidence or severity of [my illnesses] especially to innocuous levels" - even fighting to find a way to get an occipital stimulator installed when I became convinced it was my best path to return to normalcy. Then something else goes wrong and since I am stuck on the path of "controlling" I continue pushing my protesting body to do what I think it should, not what it is inclined to do.

The measures I take do help - such as the occipital stimulator, but they just can't fix what is broken. I'm very fatigued this month, bad times with sleep or lack thereof, very little nutrition, and lots of ouchiness from different sources, so my grocery cart is maybe a little overloaded right now!

Maybe it is my hard headed Germanic heritage, but I have a hard time admitting that I am not in control. I never was in control, I just chose to believe the illusion of control. I feel like I'm rollerskating on a floor of marbles and sure footing does not exist. That Gene Kelly type of finesse, dancing in rollerskates in urban traffic, doesn't seem to exist for me but I can hope for future abilities to form.

Barf Bag Envy

No More Cankles!

My Erpiness and Belly pain continue. Today has been minimal food day. I tried to eat a real sandwich yesterday and it didn't taste nearly so well coming up as it had going down. I am wishing I had some of these deluxe barf bags to take with me to the client next week. The nausea hits so hard and fast I fear erping in public.

I guess I shouldn't be embarrased about public puking. I have spewed my stomach contents in many places over the years, due to migraines. When I had migraines (instead of the hemicrania continua I have now) they were called "common migraines" or migraines without aura. They would often sneak up on me, and I would be somewhere doing something and then BOOM a full blown migraine.

The nausea often was my first clue that I actually was having a migraine - the pain grew gradually up to the point I got reaaally reaaally sea sick and then it was a skyrocket of pain for the next three to eight hours. I have thrown up in restaurants, cars, office trashcans, public toilets, parking lots, and the side of the road.

My worst experience was pulling my car over in front of this house hopping out of the car and projectile vomiting - bleah bleah bleah - and then looking up to see a horrified family having a picnic in their front lawn. What can you do? I weakly waved and hopped back in my car and drove quickly away! I had to pull over and just wait the migraine out in a parking lot down the street. Another time a friend and I were in Ft. Lauderdale and had just gotten through walking around downtown and were driving back to the hotel when the migraine hit. I warned him that I was going to pake, he didn't believe me until I started to heave - he quickly pulled the rental car over but not before I let loose on the passenger door. Eeeyou! Next time I told him I thought a migraine was coming on he listened!

I may have to just starve myself at the client's and stick to strictly fluids. I have been drinking some Ensure high protein but even with the pancreatic enzymes The Belly hurts. I've done it before, so I can do it again - it just takes inner discipline. On the plus side I have lost an additional four pounds this week. Woo Hoo! I have now lost all the weight I gained from taking steroids so long last year.

I go back November 10th to see the immunologists in Kansas City, and then I go for the endoscopic ultrasound of my pancreas. Hoping for pretty good news on these two fronts - my hives are actually better than they have been in two years! However my face is swollen and broken out with a rash of sorts - not sure if it is from the antibiotics or there is another reason. Hoping it goes away with the kidney infection that wasn't an infection. I have ankles again, very glad to get rid of the cankles I was sporting. Guess even tho I officially had no infection, the anitbiotic seems to have done the trick.

A weekend of rest, a week of travel, and then back home again to rest. I'm tired already and am just waiting for The Belly to calm down enough to sleep. Next week is going to be a long week I am afraid. Hoping the cankles don't come back, or I may need to get "The Circulation Booster" to get rid of them!