Phoning It In

Not my Best Effort

Went to work today, and was able to be productive for five hours, but how productive I don't know.  I am so sick feeling I am confused.  My physical coordination is off too, so my brain is definitely not in synch with the rest of the world.  I feel like I cheated, and went to work and didn't work.

I was productive, but the day was sorta in a fog.  I even ran over a curb on my way home, on a route I have driven a thousand times.  I can't think, even this evening, not sure what to do about this - its a new difficulty.  We are in the middle of a new install (AGAIN!) and I don't have time for this nonsense.

I worry about work, like it's my business.  I know my bosses know what they are doing and I know they can perfectly well get along without me or my input.  I am so glad they hired the new trainer, because that means they need me even less.  I am the weak link in their chain and as sick as I feel, I don't want to be the link that breaks the chain - I would rather just let them mend the chain around me then cut me out.  They have people that can do what I do and do it better than I am capable of at the moment.  When I feel like I did today, just going through the motions - even getting some things done, I think they would be better off just replacing me.

I see my PCP tomorrow afternoon, and the A-Team on Thursday.  Not sure if anything medical remains to be done that I have not done already.  Tonight I am ready to throw in the towel, call it quits, run for the border, retire prematurely.  I would except for two things - 1) I am not independently wealthy and 2) I wouldn't leave my company in the lurch.  Things are not as they should be as far as training others on what I know/do.  Just a little more and I think they will be able to fly away on their own.  And as for the independently wealthy part, I could work at a job closer to home, or try to consult - have done it before, can do it again - just with every body part in revolt I hate to start a new endeavor, and it would probably be 18 months to see if I qualify for permanent disability.

I just need to suck it up once more, splash cold water in my face, eat a couple more saltines, go to bed and go to work tomorrow.  One bad thing about an inflamed pancreas - its kinda smooshy and ouchy and the more I move the more it hurts regardless of how little I eat.  I think I will just gird up the pancreas and push onward regardless!