I'm a person who always has a plan, a direction, course correction, a goal. These last few months I have felt lost - feeling my way down an unknown path towards an uncertain future. Trying to move forward with my life but without enough information to know if I am going forward, standing still, going backwards or maybe just taking the scenic route. I have lost my points of reference; I am afloat in a sea of possibilities and impossibilities with no way to tell the difference.
I keep putting off decisions because I keep thinking I will get my health straightened out or stable and I can make a decision then. I focus on the next thing and then the next and then the next and pretty soon I am like Hanzel and Gretel in the forest - the birds have eaten my breadcrumbs and I don't know where I am or how I got here!
I am resolving (once again!) to reconnect with my friends. I want to recenter myself around my inner needs just not my medical needs. I need to do some things just for myself for fun. I want to reevaluate what I can and cannot do. I always surprise myself because I can do more than I think sometimes, and more than is wise other times! I need to nurture the spiritual side of me. I need to stop just existing and start living again.
Work is a big concern for me. I feel so ill lately. I know I am not concentrating like I should. I hope that I am getting the two new guys/gals trained to the place if I fall by the wayside the company and my bosses (who have been so good to me) will not suffer. The company is suffering enough right now with me not able to carry my workload as I should.
I started taking dilaudid in the evenings, as small a dose as I can take and still handle the pain. The neurontin helps some of the pain, the dilaudid is helping more, but I probably should be taking it on a regular schedule rather than 1x per day. The kidney stone pain is not good, but hopefully that will "pass" soon and maybe I can drop the narcotics out of my medication regimen again.
The Headache is bad this evening possibly due to the dialudid which aggravates it. I hate having to wait until the middle of spring to see the next specialist about The Legs. This is where I lose my way. The Legs have become a major problem. sigh.
The Migraine and Headache Blog Carnival for January is published. Check it out over at Putting Our Heads Together! This month's theme is "Taking Charge in 2011", as always there are interesting and thought provoking posts to read!
I am going to go hold Mr. Squeaky (Emmett) and think happy sleepy puppy thoughts and take my meds and maybe go to sleep. Good night all!!!
